You too, can make Vegan Chilli

Inevitably, someone will ask what the hell is in vegan chilli, to which I reply ‘Vegans.  Fresh. Young. Vegans.  Cause I like them young.’  (Making things awkward is my best defence to avoiding further questions.)

I’ve been asked for this recipe a lot.  And I usually have to tell people, that I just don’t have a recipe for it.  Chilli is one of those things that I just keep adding things to until it smells right, looks right: there’s art to it.  That and I’m just too f-ing lazy to bother writing it down.

But each time there is a potluck, this is what I’m asked to bring.  I’m a bit sick of chilli, to the point where I don’t even really eat any of it.  I just make it.  So I wrote it down this time so ya’ll can fuck off and make it yourself next time.

First, make sure you are nice and congested.  Like to the point that you can only breath through a chap lipped mouth.  Then, dose yourself with caffeine, sugar and cold meds.  Put some really loud music on.  It’s part of the process.  Pull out the biggest crock pot you can, cause this makes a ton.

Turn it to high, and Into said crock pot, dump the following items:

2 cans tomatoes (Before dumping out the tin, I like to run a sharp knife though the contents a few times, just to make the chunks a bit smaller, but do what you want, you rebel.)

1 cup dried chickpeas

2 cans baked beans in tomato sauce

1 can kidney beans (rinse that weird red slim off them first)

1 veggie bouillon cube

2 tbsp chilli powder

1 tbsp garlic powder

2 tsp cayenne pepper.

⅛ cup of white vinegar

1 cup nutritional yeast

1 cup chopped celery (I usually use the tops and middle of a stalk of celery cause who the hell else is going to eat it?)

One red, yellow and orange pepper, chopped (Aren’t they pretty?)

One package of button mushrooms, minus the four you donated to quality control, and the one that dropped onto the floor for the dog.  Slice those babies up.

Half a yellow onion, chopped.

One cup frozen peas, cause why not?

One cup frozen corn, because it’s beside the peas in the freezer


Give it a stir, put the lid on, and go do some shit.  I recommend singing loudly to the music that you turned on.  Dancing helps too.  It’s all part of the process.  Trust me.

Once the veggies are cooked through and the chick peas are nearly soft, add in:

2 cups TVP

1 cup shredded spinach  (It adds very little to the taste, it’s just a diversion.  Someone will ask me what the green shit is, which usually gets me out of the ‘What’s TVP’ question.)

The veggies should release enough water for the chick peas to soften, but if it’s a bit too thick, add a quarter cup of water at a time until the reaches the desired consistency.

About 4 hours on high should be long enough, but the chick peas will be the dictator of this rule.  Have a taste test.  The cayenne pepper will suddenly clear your sinus better than the stupid cold meds did.  Might as well just throw them out while you are at it.

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