We’re having people over for dinner tonight, which is really just an excuse for me to force feed weird shit to unsuspecting victims. It’s fun for me. I’ll take you through the process step by step.
First hit the grocery store with your two kids who just happen to have a PA day just one week after being on Christmas vacation for two weeks. This will ensure you spend more than you intended and have surprise purchases at the check out.
One store-bought cake
One bottle of “Sparkling Wine is the New Champagne”
2/3 cup cashews
2/3 cup coconut milk
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 vegetable bouillon cube
1/4 nooch (nutritional yeast to you meat eaters)
2 tbsp vinegar
6-7 potatoes (or enough to make about 6 cups) peeled and chopped into one inch cubes
Two cups of spinach, finely chopped. None of that frozen stuff.
Enlist the kids to help you pack up the groceries. This will not only hold up the line, but also ensure that all of your tin cans and loaves of bread have that rustic dented and squished look. Have your oldest put the store-bought cake in the grocery bag upside down so the icing gets all fucked up. It will be easier to convince people that you made the cake yourself later on.
Once you get home, unpack the groceries and put some sort of carcass in a crock pot with random things found in the pantry. Todays choices were a ham, a can of crushed pineapple from who knows when and two cans of diet ginger ale. I’m sure nothing could go wrong with heating up aspartame for long periods of time. Turn it on high and forget about it for 4 hours.
Next, convince yourself you will totally be productive while on the laptop. Go to Pinterest. Get lost there for two hours, making sure you start making dinner about 45 minutes later than you should, in order for it all to be done at 5:30pm.
Pour yourself a large glass of wine and drink it down fast while you wish again for a fairy godmother who will come clean the house for you, because you couldn’t be bothered.
In a blender, add the cashews, coconut milk, garlic powder, salt, bouillon cube, nooch and vinegar. Blend the shit out of it. While you wait for it to become a smooth texture, drink another glass of wine while you lament the fact that there is no one here to shovel the sidewalk and steps for you. Remind yourself that putting a camera outside just to record people slipping and fall makes you a bad role model.
In a 2.5 quart casserole dish, add the potatoes and chopped spinach. Add in your blender mixture and mix to cover all the potatoes. Cover the dish and cook at 450 degrees for an hour or until the potatoes are tender to a fork.
Ask the kids to clean off the dinning room table and set it with dinner dishes. Sip some more wine while you dig through the freezer for some frozen veggies and hope your guests are late. Once you find the veg, pour some in a microwave safe dish, with a bit of margarine and nuke for about 5 minutes.
Yell at your kids to set the table.
Run around your kitchen in a futile attempt to hide the mess you’ve made as well as the dishes from lunch that haven’t been loaded into the dishwasher either. Yell at the kids again, while sneaking in that famous mother’s guilt, to set the table.
Pour another glass of wine. Set the damn table yourself. Don’t move too fast. That third glass of wine is kicking in.
Rush to get everything on the table. Throw some buns you found in the back of the fridge on the table with a bowl of “I can’t believe this isn’t plastic” margarine.
Sip your wine slowly while you scowl at the clock and be bitter about the fact that your guests are late after you slaved in the kitchen all day.